The Overnighter

The girls are going to an overnight fieldtrip to study science. It is only one night away from home, and the learning experience invaluable. How can I say no to that?

I don’t.

I bought them flashlights for their night expedition, I gave them a packing list of things that are needed and things that are NOT needed (cell phone!!!), and I am ready to send them off into the wilderness with their teacher (and other teachers and a plethora of parent volunteers) and countless other 5th graders from their school. They are very excited. I on the other hand, will  be a nervous wreck until they get home. It isn’t that it is overnight. It is that it is far away, and if they need me, I can’t get there quickly. But I guess I have to learn to let them go sometime.

Baby steps. Theirs or mine? I’m not sure.

Codependent No More by Melody Beattie

Loving someone with an addiction problem can cause codependency. This book was recommended by my therapist. I was skepital and put off buying it for a few weeks. When I finally bought it for my nook, I let it sit a bit longer. See, I was afraid of what I was going to read, supposedly about myself and my behavior patterns.

I was crying soon after starting reading. I didn’t stop reading though; I plowed through it, did the exercises at the end of each chapter, and focused on myself, which is at the heart of recovering from codependency. I will always have these tendencies, but I have learned to control them much more than I ever thought possible. It is a work in progress, progress I would never have made without reading this amazing book.

If you are codependent, or know someone who is, I highly suggest getting a copy of this book.

I have a life. But do I want it?

So here I sit. It been a long time since I have had the mental fortitude to even contemplate writing an enty here, for which there are many reasons, all personal. Mainly, it is my family situation, and all the drama that it inevitably seems to keep me knee-deep in. It’s damn tiring to say the least.

In the 6 months since my beloved moved out, I  have been rediscovering myself. I had no idea I had let things get so wonky in my ways of thinking, about myself and the world in general. Talk about skewed perceptions. Sheesh! I have done some therapy, some reading, some soul-searching, and I have found that I am stronger than I belived myself to be; I am a better mother than I was led to believe; I am a better teacher than I thought I was. I have also found that I am a person who dearly values a peaceful home and a peaceful mind, and most importantly, a peaceful heart. I am working on creating those things for myself and my children by doing what I believe is right for the 4 of us. Others do not agree with my choices. But as my momma says, only you know what is right for you in your life.

I had forgotten that. I had been letting other’s actions and poor decisions alter  my life, and create drama that I do not want, and will do my damnedest to avoid for myself and my kids. Codependent no more is not just a helpful book. It is my new motto.

Now that I have made some choices, I am sitting here waiting for them to pan out, I guess you could say. I don’t know what the future holds for me, although I know it is as scary as hell. And all of it is financially related. The rest I feel I can handle, money is still a problem though.

Oh well. I will meet that when it comes as well. It is all I can do, right?